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Nobody told me when I changed the clocks from daylight saving time this year I’d end up in the twilight zone
 

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Retired twice: Navy and as a govt contractor
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12,005 Posts
This is for my Marine buds...

Top This One For A Speeding Ticket in Kingsville , TX :

Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville , TX. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville . The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite tree tops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville, TX.

Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

"Thank you for your letter....

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77, south of Kingsville.

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster."

Semper FI
 

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Premium Member
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7,052 Posts
I like that story. One day on my boat, my radar picked up incoming straight at me at high speed. It was a float plane flying visual below the clouds which were very low.
UK
 

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Retired twice: Navy and as a govt contractor
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12,005 Posts
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

61162
 

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Young mother looks at her 6 year old son and asks him "Do you know why you and all your friends are out of school?"

The young boy replies "Sure, they're all out of toilet paper."
 

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Nightfly
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3,883 Posts
Squirrels Find Religion:

As a band of squirrels had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian
church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel
infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that
the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't
interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the
baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked
the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice
as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm
any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and
set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels
were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of
whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with
alcohol. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels
can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They
baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now
they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first
squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
 

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Retired twice: Navy and as a govt contractor
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12,005 Posts
I have two, one for each side of the political fence:

61220
61221
 

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American Legion Rider
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19,449 Posts
Yep, that's a good one. But aren't we supposed to get all bent out of sorts and claim it's racist or degrading or something along those lines. Oh I know REPORT it. Yeah, that's what we are supposed to do rather than laugh about it.
 

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Retired twice: Navy and as a govt contractor
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12,005 Posts
An oldie but a goodie
Their lips are moving
without looking : their lips are moving
 
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