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Ace Tuner
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2,023 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Three trees & a woodpecker
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
Here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker
lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however,
the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into."
 

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Premium Member
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7,050 Posts
English joke.
Once a king, always a king. Once a knight ( night ) is probably enough.

That needs to be spoke to get the meaning. Does not work as well when typed. Oh darn.

UK
 

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Registered
Joined
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677 Posts
The Chicken


A guy is driving his car on a back road at about 40 mph. Looking out the drivers side window, he notices a Chicken running along side the car. Startled, he steps on the gas, pushing the car up to 65 mph. The Chicken catches up with the car, and the driver notices that the Chicken has three legs! The Chicken zooms past, and makes a right turn down a dirt road. Turning down the dirt road and following the dust kicked up by the Chicken, he comes upon a farm.

A Farmer is leaning against a fence at the edge of the road. The driver stops and asks the farmer 'Did you see a three legged Chicken run past here?'

"Yep. I raise 'em."
"You raise them? Why?"
"Are you married?"
"Yes."
"Like drumsticks?"
"Well sure."
"That's one. Your Wife like Drumsticks?"
"Of course."
"That's two. Ever have a guest over for dinner that likes drumsticks?"
'Yes, once in awhile."
"Well there ya go. Three legged Chickens. Saves a lot of money in the long run."
"Ok, but how do they taste?"
"I have no idea. Nobody can catch them!"
 

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Visionary
Joined
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3,133 Posts
A little fish is swimming along
Minding his own business
Swimming swimming swimming
Until
Suddenly
With no warning
He bumps his head on a concrete wall!

What does he say?
.
.
.
.
.
Dam


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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Ace Tuner
Joined
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2,023 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Why do you have to be careful when it's raining cats and dogs?
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Because you might step in a Poodle.
 

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Premium Member
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7,050 Posts
Guy takes his dog to the vet, says it will not stop yapping. Vet examines the dog, seems all okay, sets it on the floor and yap yap yap. Vet boots the dog up the rear end and it stops yapping. There you are says the vet. Now you know the cure.

Week later the guy returns, dog is yapping again, guy tries the suggested cure, no change. Vet says can I look at your shoes. AAAAaaaahh there's your problem, you are not wearing hush puppies.

UK
 

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Retired twice: Navy and as a govt contractor
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12,005 Posts
Yesterday my son asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the girls. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach him a lesson about staying out of my business. I told him that I had joined a parachute club. He said, "Are you nuts? You’re almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed him that I even got a membership card. He said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told him.
He fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
 
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