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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Especially those of the writers/riders/editors/publishers in the crowd...


Over the last year I have decided to look into pursuing a career as a writer.
(not sure what kind yet, it's too early to tell. Relax, schooling is part of the plan! :) )

So I have posted a mock-up of a guide book I've written over the last few months.
This is a rough draft of an idea I have to bring visiting riders closer to the
awesome off-the-beaten-path roads that Kauai has to offer.
In this PDF, I included the introduction and
the first chapter which covers the town of Kapa'a and surrounding area.

I would appreciate it if you all would read it and let me know what you think.
Things to keep in mind:
- I am a beginner at writing seriously like this.
- This (in my opinion) is an extremely rough draft that needs editing and help.
- Some of the info (like rental costs) is part of it being a rough draft.
- This is an exercise of my skill and an attempt to use some discipline with
that skill and get serious about it.
- This "book" needs to be viewed with the map (2nd link) in order for
much of it to make sense.
- The routes and roads described are real and personally ridden by myself
for this project.

I would appreciate educated, constructive, pointed, and concise criticism
from you all here.

Does it make you want to ride through this little town in Kauai?

Motorcycling Kauai PDF
Map of Kapaa and Surrounding Area
The map is very high resolution, so download it and enlarge it to see the detail.

Special thanks to Captain Crash for the inspirational writing he does which
inspired me to write this.
(If this is not the appropriate place for this, I do apologize and ask the mods
to move it to an appropriate place for discussion).
 

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Gone
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I think you are on the right track. My only suggestion is to try and shorten your sentences and don't try to convey more than one idea per sentence. (I do this myself way too often.)

Nice work!
 
L

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Though I'm the least qualified in here to say, I never the less like the piece and hope you will continue forward. Actually the subject hits close to home - I'd really love to see the Hawaiian Islands someday myself, but try to avoid the main spots / islands were everyone else goes - if at all possible?! I would of course like to visit the Pearl Harbor Memorial, but beyond that my interests would be just natural wonders, seeing wildlife and warm tropical breezes (19 years of this South Dakota Artic Hades is enough! :mad:). Got to admit ever since my ride down to Baja (Cabo San Lucas) and back in 79’, I’ve had the Tahiti Syndrome (and still waiting...)! :rolleyes: Say no more… Except to say any further 'insider' tips you might care to add to the book, might very well be well recieved by your readership. :D

LRG :cool:
 

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Hi Guinea, it DEFINITELY makes me want to go ride there! I really like the symbols and the map; very helpful and motorcycle specific. It is humorous as well with jokes about paying an arm, a leg, etc. for a bike rental.

The content and ideas are good. Maybe have a second set of eyes go over it for punctuation.... I noticed a few sentences were on the long side... either adding a comma after the introductory phrase, or breaking some of the long sentences into two separate sentences might help the flow.

The opening is good, but I'd jazz it up a bit... again, kind of long sentences... think about how you could reword it to GRAB someone's attention.

I like the photos (understand some would be changed etc. in final version). The map is really outstanding as well. Definitely including the photos will help your guide come alive.

If you're in college, maybe a professor would be willing to edit a rough draft or make some suggestions??

Thanks for sharing; keep us posted on your progress.
 
W

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Ok i quickly looked at this pdf. where in the world is this island country situated?

i could google it but about to hit the hay.
 

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--
Guin...,
I will, at a later date, review it more thoroughly for you, but initially, my comments would include a definite need for extensive reworking by an editor. You have punctuation errors, misplaced words, run-on sentences, poorly grouped categories, some lame choices of humor, not engaging or inviting the visitor into your world, missing content, and extreme lack of detail (or footnotes). My comments might change if I progress beyond the first page.

I don't mean this to disparage you, but to send a warning shot. The world of literature, even if in light travel guide mode, is highly competitive and an obvious beginner in need of much organization would not stand much chance. I know you have requested help/suggestions, but an honest editor would tell you it's not just a few commas here and shorten a few sentences. There are many areas that need "tweeking".

Your premise of a guide to fun biking in Hawaii, may be a needed resource and perhaps would find a ready market--I don't know. You need to be sure you keep in mind your target reader along with your publication source. Each format needs its own perspective. A strength here would be your having experienced each ride for your subjective evaluation from an entertainment point of view. This always makes a journey more "personal" for the reader not wanting a strictly technical evaluation.

Anyway, don't quit, Guin..., at least not because of my comments, which, as I stated (so to speak), are not meant to be brutal, but contructive and perhaps somewhat of a guide as to your next direction to proceed. Some time with some material on creative writing would not hurt. My guess is you have not done much research in this area yet. Knowing the subject is only background for you. Putting it to paper is for the world.

Best wishes for now. :)

RonK
 

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Discussion Starter #7
My only suggestion is to try and shorten your sentences and don't try to convey more than one idea per sentence.
The opening is good, but I'd jazz it up a bit... again, kind of long sentences... think about how you could reword it to GRAB someone's attention.
This is true. I do have a tendency to be long winded. :)
The intro prob'ly could be a bit spicier...thanks for the heads up on that!

Though I'm the least qualified in here to say, I never the less like the piece and hope you will continue forward.
I think you are on the right track.
it DEFINITELY makes me want to go ride there!
Thanks for the kind words!

It is humorous as well with jokes about paying an arm, a leg, etc. for a bike rental.
some lame choices of humor,
Ok the line about bike rentals...LOL. That's a FILLER line.
I tend to write late at night, and that's not a great time to call the rental guys and ask them how much. It would be replaced with something like "...rentals range from $75 to $168 per day depending on the type of bike, and duration of the rental." It's a line I wrote to be completely ridiculous (and obvious) so that I'd remember to find out what REAL rental rates are.

If you're in college, maybe a professor would be willing to edit a rough draft or make some suggestions??
my comments would include a definite need for extensive reworking by an editor. You have punctuation errors, misplaced words, run-on sentences, poorly grouped categories, some lame choices of humor, not engaging or inviting the visitor into your world, missing content, and extreme lack of detail (or footnotes).
Oh I need an editor in the worst way! This I do know.
I have to admit, all I have is a GED and plans to go to college for
a technical writing degree.

Ronk, I do think it needs "something more". I too felt like "it's just a road list" when I read it...at least at some points.
I fully expect (and want) and editor to go to town on this piece.
The grouping I think I can fix...Maybe I should make "sections" within the chapter covering the 4 major parts of town?
It's weird trying to link it together when you "follow the road" in a sense. Perhaps the problem is trying to write it in continuance,
as if riding it, rather than writing it?

where in the world is this island country situated?
It's in the Pacific...the 50th state...Hawaii... ya know?
Mai Tais, waves, sand, palm trees?

Except to say any further 'insider' tips you might care to add to the book, might very well be well recieved by your readership.
Ok! I can add more! I did want to try to steer away from being
just another Kauai guide book, since there are plenty out there,
but heck, a few more hot tips probably wouldn't hurt.

A strength here would be your having experienced each ride for your subjective evaluation from an entertainment point of view. This always makes a journey more "personal" for the reader not wanting a strictly technical evaluation.
So personalize it a little more? As if you and were sitting over dinner discussing the roads we've ridden around here?
Something a little less formal?

thanks to RonK, LRG, Dods, and Hsart for the ideas, critiques and comments thus far! It helps to have another
perspective outside of my own!
GP
 
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Quote:
where in the world is this island country situated?
It's in the Pacific...the 50th state...Hawaii... ya know?
Mai Tais, waves, sand, palm trees?

not being american how would i have known that.
looking at the place names on the map i was thinking it was Malaysia.
 
L

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Got to admit my extreme ignorance in regards to the Hawaiian Islands: How many islands are there actually at this location? Is Honolulu an island and Pearl Harbor a town? Or is Pearl just a harbor (and Naval Base) in the the town of Honolulu - on what island? Everybody knows Hawaii of course, but what are the other islands called? Can you go to ALL the other (less crowded) islands or are some restricted? I give for example the beautiful Channel Islands off of Santa Barbara (CA) - most your not allowed to go on (least got to fly over em' :)). What Hawaiian island was 'Jurasic Park' filmed on? Gawd, the place is awesome! :D

Yeah, of course Google has all these answers. But it's so much more fun screwing around (instead of working) posting this online for the probably quite a few Bikers (?) that have actually been there! Nuff' said. ;)

LRG :cool:
 

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I enjoyed what I read, as with others on here, needs some editing, but on the whole it made interesting reading. It would be great if you could describe the routes so we could visualise them. Must say though I now have an image of sun baked toads on the road :eek:

So far as a rough draft it is not too bad though, don't give up. :)
 
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