Kamikazi Squirrel

[buellosaurusrex]

Having just read the story about the Evil Mutant Nazi Attack Squirrel Of Death, I felt compelled to share my tale of the Kamikaze Squirrel.
It was a brilliantly blue crisp fall day last October, the perfect sort of day for an extended ride. I was out out on B.Rex, rather informally following my normal route. I had just made a right turn onto Highway H and was begining to wind it up through second when I spied a squirrel, cheeks chock-full o' nuts, preparing to dash across the road, closing distance about 25 yards. Not wanting to end his life on such a beautiful fall day, I backed off the throttle and gently squeezed the front brake. I was feeling humanitarian; don't doubt it for a second! "Go on, little buddy", I said aloud, in my best "Skipper" voice. He must have heard me. He dashed across in front of me, and I rolled on a little more power. I was now doing about 20. Wait! I forgot something!......or so he seemed to say, and dashed back to the curb. Easing off the gas again and tickling the brakes, I wondered what this fuzzy time bomb was thinking? I soon found out. With closing distance at about 25 feet now, he dashed back towards the double yellow and stopped. He turned and glared at the oncoming Thunder Wagon, and as closing distance narrowed to three feet, he suddenly darted BACK to the near-side curb again.......I felt the thump-thump of a Kamikazi Squirrel and pulled over to the side of the road. I needn't have bothered.....he was about as dead as any squirrel can get. Flat, too. Funny thing was, he had it made-in-the-shade........three times! Makes me wonder if animals can have a death wish?

Note: I moved this from the Humor section because I realized after I posted it that it wasn't really humor...more of a story than anything.

[crazymike]

>>>>> :eek: <<<<<

[Hawkeye]

Haha, Crazy Mike... that picture ROCKS!

[buellosaurusrex]

>>>>> :eek: <<<<<


Yep......that's the one!:rolleyes:

[Mad_Bohemian]

That's funny... :)

Read this Squirrel story on another forum. Don't know if it %100 true, but it's funny....:D

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.

I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in
his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!

I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die
you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!"

The leap was nothing short of spectacular as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly, he set upon me.

If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.

And losing.

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the
pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities.

He also managed to take my left glove with him.

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle.

A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.

Torque.

This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... Well .. I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet
residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face.
I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Valkyrie maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked.

...Sort-of.

Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength, throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of
the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.

That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he had a patrol car.

A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was
best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

[rexmitchell]

That pic is pretty good

[iptg]

Funny stuff!

[elwood9270]

So many times I have had to play that same game with squirrels, rabbits, etc...
Some make it, and well.... you know what happened.

[Hawkeye]

That's funny... :)

Read this Squirrel story on another forum. Don't know if it %100 true, but it's funny....:D

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

....

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was
best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.


Are you sure you didn't read that on THIS forum...say... two and a half weeks ago?

http://www.motorcycleforum.com/showthread.php?t=85915

[Mad_Bohemian]

Are you sure you didn't read that on THIS forum...say... two and a half weeks ago?

http://www.motorcycleforum.com/showthread.php?t=85915
Nope...I see it was posted here, but I read this on www.hondashadow.net in their off-topic section (sorry but you have to register to read that part of their forum) but here's a link to the thread there.
http://www.hondashadow.net/forum/viewtopic.php?t=69044&highlight=squirrel

[vlx]

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was
best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

i don't care where it came from, that is one of the funniest godd**n things i have ever read on the net...

[gkim4107]

I have to agree, that stuff is funny as hell!!!

[GreenIrishMan]

Wow this is the funniest stuff i have heard all day. hehe :D

[77formula]

The only thing that would make this better is a u-tube video.:eek:

[Frank_W]

I read this a long ago, and laughed 'til I cried... LOL!

[boober]

nice

[gkim4107]

I read it again, and laughed my ass off.... again

[rengelke]

Crazymike has now given me a new use for all my childhood action figures. Go Joe!

[briang]

I still think this is hilarious.

[Archangel]

I had a squirrel run out in front of me the weekend before last.
I sad a prayer for him a braced for inpact he jumped over the bike so i ducked down and he went over my bike and landed behind me.
Glad he was not after me like the story.
Now every time I see a squirrel I think do I have a death wish today?

[wawadave]

really like that large squirrel picture!! Now the idea of people cooking squirrel don, seem so bad!! Guess thats what them old squirrel rifles were for...

[dustinn3]

I had a Kamikazi cat try to take me out today. He just sat at the curb until I got right by him and decided to jump right in front of me. Plus I had a deer almost jump out in front of me a few miles down the road, but I hit the horn and it turned back. The animals just had it out for me today.

[wawadave]

guess a cow horse or moose will be waiting for you on the way back!!!