Husband is a new rider, purchasing his Harley, I want to support him but.... - Motorcycle Forum
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post #1 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 01:04 PM Thread Starter
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Husband is a new rider, purchasing his Harley, I want to support him but....

My husband (53) is getting his first next week.
I know I will not EVER ride as a passenger with him (I'm 54). I see it as en extremely risky activity. I've ridden as a passenger before when I was younger with my father, and ofc on smaller cycles, mopeds etc I was a passenger as well.
I have no desire to EVER learn to ride my own bike nor spend good money on something I'm not even interested in. I know he's been dying to own a motorcycle, but I now see it as more time spent away from each other besides work everyday.
Is there anyone here that has any suggestions? Does anyone drive their car and meet their significant other at the destination?

Please let me know.
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post #2 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 01:19 PM
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Ma'am, you sound exactly like my wife did at one time. That's not a bad thing. You care. But if your husband is safe about this, it is great hobby. My wife said the same things you did. She would never ride on my bikes. She has no interests in it. She thought I spent too much time away.

And she was dead serious about not liking or riding them. One day I convinced her to go for a short ride. I was gentle, didn't do anything to scare her. She was nervous, but open minded. In the end she loved it. That was in 2015. Now in 2017 we have racked up thousands of miles together. Motorcycling didn't make us spend more time apart. In fact, it has brought us very much closer together. In reality, it probably saved our marriage. We seriously love doing this together. She now has her own helmet, boots, jacket. We put intercoms in our helmets and can chat as we ride. We've explored so many things and places that we wouldn't have normally.

I know you are serious about your thoughts, and I'm not trying to convince you otherwise. But I hope you'll keep an open mind. Give it a try.

Tell you husband to join this group and talk about it with us, too.
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post #3 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 01:30 PM Thread Starter
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I know many people say this to me already, but I have no desire to ride a bike or trust a person with my person. I see no mystery, allure or freedom with this activity.
I have what I consider a healthy sense of responsibility to remain an intact human being.
Having to deal with my own brothers funeral arrangements, a sister that anniversaried that a year later with a heart attack, and now my 84 yr old mom in and out of rehab and assisted living, I know for a fact if something were to happen, I would not want to be part of any convelescence. I would have to choose not to be part of that. Nor opening myself up to possible personal bodily injury , head trauma or death of my own person.
In Sickness and in health doesn't imo include choosing to do something risky.

Am I not right
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post #4 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 02:26 PM
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I know many people say this to me already, but I have no desire to ride a bike or trust a person with my person. I see no mystery, allure or freedom with this activity.
I have what I consider a healthy sense of responsibility to remain an intact human being.
Having to deal with my own brothers funeral arrangements, a sister that anniversaried that a year later with a heart attack, and now my 84 yr old mom in and out of rehab and assisted living, I know for a fact if something were to happen, I would not want to be part of any convelescence. I would have to choose not to be part of that. Nor opening myself up to possible personal bodily injury , head trauma or death of my own person.
In Sickness and in health doesn't imo include choosing to do something risky.

Am I not right
Life is risky. With that attitude, how do you justify driving to the store?

Not trying to be rude but many people ride for a lifetime. Practicing good safe habits is a must though.

If your husband is going to ride around without protective gear etc etc, that is irresponsible and I'd say you have a right to request that he behave less recklessly.

On the other hand, if he is going to do it right and take care to minimize risk, that seems reasonable to me.

On the other hand, it's your family so you should handle it as you see fit.

My 2 cents.



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post #5 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 02:49 PM
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Dear lady,

Everything in this life is a risk. An acquaintance of mine died while walking in the park. How dangerous can it be to walk in a park?

Many of my friends are motorcyclists in middle and advanced age (35-60 years), most of them with family to watch over. They are the group of riders with lower incidence of accidents, because they are already responsible and focused to assess risks in a mature way. They are no longer teenagers who get carried away by the adrenaline of the moment and the speed, and are much more careful in driving, than a young man who does not measure the consequences of his actions. In other words, unless your husband is as irresponsible as a youngster usually is, I do not think he does not put all his effort in avoiding unnecessary risks when riding a motorcycle.

Probably you still do not find that pleasure of riding a motorcycle. Give it a try and you may realize that what you enjoy is not the bike ride, but the opportunity to be close to your husband and see him happy while doing something he loves. It is reciprocal, I assure you that he will be more open to do the same: to be with you while you do something of your own, although he is not a fan of it.
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post #6 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
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Hey guys I've heard it all regarding risk, it's not a question of his risk anymore, he's chosen to accept it.
I personally do not for myself. I don't want to ride on a cycle.
I wanted my question answered if possible if partners drive their cars to the destination to meet the motorcyclist?
Or I shouldn't even bother and just take a second job to fill my spare time?
I'm being sarcastic, but really, I need to know.
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post #7 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 03:49 PM
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I guess the car you use simply cannot collide with anything. Cool, I want one. Or apparently where you live there are zero accidents. Wish I could say that where I live. I'm actually surprised you are still married but some men do like to be controlled. Or maybe that's why he wants a bike, to get away from the everlasting control in his life. There, is that what you were looking for. Changes are real good that's all this post is about. To stir stuff up. Since supposedly you've heard it all you just want to flaunt the fact you control your husband and he might be tired of it. Yes, I've heard the don't put me through the medical agony too. But accidents happen all the time. So all I hear you saying is if he falls off a ladder, breaks his next and is in the hospital or nursing home the rest of his life, you're done with him. Great, hope he realizes just where you stand with your love. Or lack there-of. And on a Sunday! All the more reason I think this is troll central.

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post #8 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 03:52 PM
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Ok, I got it.

And for your question, answer is yes.

Unless in some rule of an event that your husband attends say that cars are not allowed (which I doubt) you are free to accompany your husband to any place you want, regardless of whether you go in your own vehicle.

In fact, in many events organized here in Mexico, when many motorcyclists go out together, it is very useful when someone accompanies them by car. This covers many unforeseen events, as you can load with more complete tool or even a small trailer in the event of a mechanical failure.
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post #9 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 03:56 PM Thread Starter
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Dude I'm asking if people drive separate, just because I don't want to ride doesn't make me the villian. And what part of controlling is it to help buy the bike.
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post #10 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 05:25 PM
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My wife rides separate. She has her own Harley.
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post #11 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 05:35 PM
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If you are truly interested in joining him at any particular destination in your car you certainly can. I suspect you'll get tired of it soon though. I've had wives attend PGR missions with their husband, him on bike and her in car. It never lasts long and it's sad because that's one area where we can use all the support we can get. You'll find once he starts riding a whole new world will open up to him and you not being there could cause problems. As like you say, more time away. So if you can afford the double fuel I'd go for it. You might be surprised just how open motorcyclist are. And who knows, you just might try a ride again on a bike built for two to ride in comfort instead of the little bitty things you were on in the past. So share in his new life if you really want to. Cause it will be a new life.

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post #12 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 05:45 PM Thread Starter
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My wife rides separate. She has her own Harley.
That's not the answer.
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post #13 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 06:14 PM
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Hi Else, if you want to drive a car separate and meet your husband at a destination go for it. He gets to ride his bike, you guys get to spend time together - what's the issue? You don't need our approval to do that. My dear wife and I do that sometimes just because it's easier with the kids (today in fact.)

Edit: And hey, this might be a good opportunity to get a car you really enjoy!
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post #14 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 06:23 PM
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C'mon people, she's asking a simple question. I hardly think any of you are qualified to discuss her marriage or other personal issues based on a single question posted in a motorcycle forum!

There's no problem if you don't want to ride. Yes, riding does pose a greater risk than not riding (no matter what anyone will tell you), but it's a risk level that riders like myself find acceptable.

My wife won't even sit on my bike when it's turned off because they scare her...that's OK. She lets me ride because she knows how much I love it.

One thing we've done is that I will go for a great ride with great sight-seeing, and some time later, we will go together in the car and retrace the same route, and maybe stop along the way and have lunch or dinner.

She also sometimes does things that she enjoys while I'm out riding.

So absolutely yes, you can meet up with him in your car...or do the subsequent ride together like we do.

But you do have the right to insist that he wear the appropriate safety gear (maybe I'll get arguments on this, but so what)...and insist he take the MSF BRC course, since he's a new rider.
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post #15 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 06:47 PM Thread Starter
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Already do, Fiat standard transmission. It's agile, I like it. It's most like my 66 VW in the garage
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post #16 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 06:59 PM
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It's me, the Husband. I've got a 14 Street Bob on the way. Will have all the safety gear by then. I've taken the safety course. I work at an HD dealership and get to ride fairly frequently, though I would definitely classify myself as a new rider.
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post #17 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 07:04 PM
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I've been granted the great blessing of having a wife who enjoys riding with me. But I have also experienced what it's like to go off on my own and realize that that was time that I could have spent with her. Every Spring after my bike has been sitting for a couple of months, I make it a point to ride the bike by myself for the first two or three times so that I reacquaint myself fully with the bike before I ever take a passenger. Fortunately, when my wife goes with me, she is such a good rider that I hardly know she's there; and that makes all the difference in the world!
I'm not saying that we don't talk when we ride or that we don't participate in activities together when we're together on the bike, but rather that she just has a very adaptable way. She knows how to make my job as the driver much easier just by the way she presents herself on the bike during the ride.

I belonged for many years to a motorcycle chapter here and Connecticut that went on numerous events, and there were always one or two cars that came along behind the motorcycles. Regardless of the reasons for their need to be in a car, they were very helpful to us in many situations.

If I thought for one moment, that riding the motorcycle alone, would be something that would cause a rift between my spouse and myself, I would sell the bike and a heartbeat.
Based on some of your original comments Else, your husband might want to consider How Deeply he values your relationship. It sounds to me like you're looking for an excuse to bail.
I've been the victim in my life, of such comments, and I see the writing on the wall.

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post #18 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 07:08 PM Thread Starter
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Nope not the reason, it's just I feel unsafe and as much as I wish I could participate I know it's not in my being to do so. The car is the only option for me, as that is my level of risk.
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post #19 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 07:41 PM
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Already do, Fiat standard transmission. It's agile, I like it. It's most like my 66 VW in the garage
Love it!

What VW do you have? I have a 78 Bus here.
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post #20 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 07:50 PM Thread Starter
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I have a 66 VW beetle and I can't drag and drop the pic, my iPad doesn't like it
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post #21 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 07:58 PM
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To answer the question, yes, you can ride and drive separately. And if that works, that's awesome. I do hope with time you'll be more open minded to trying a ride now and then. Even if short distance. A cross town trip for dinner, maybe, now and then. But that's just me thinking about what I would want if I was the husband.
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post #22 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 08:18 PM
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Do what works for you two!

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post #23 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 08:53 PM Thread Starter
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Yea, I'm in the process of getting ready to sell it. It's too much to deal with and I don't have time to keep it up.
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post #24 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 09:56 PM
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To answer the question, yes, you can ride and drive separately.
Wait, that is legal? There must be a law against riding and driving separately and if not, why is this even a question?

This may be an issue for an attorney to answer. It sounds so complex.

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post #25 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 09:59 PM
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That's not the answer.
It is for us.

But you're going to have to make your own decisions, and only you and your Man can make them.

So you're asking if it is okay for the wife to follow behind her husband and arrive separately in a car? For us the answer is, "Oh Hell no! That's stupid and foolish and we don't want any part of that kind of silliness."

Not the answer you were hoping for, eh? Well, then you and your husband should make your own choices, and do what's right for you both. If you both like him riding and you driving a vehicle, then do that, and don't worry about what others think.
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post #26 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-23-2017, 10:54 PM
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I have a few years on both of you, and without revealing her age, so does Mrs Snippets. She has no interest being on the bike on crappy days. She has been there done that. She does enjoy going into the Harley shop and looking at clothing. She has a sweet leather jacket. She also enjoys the back of the bike, as long as it is not the sport bike. She will ride on the back of that one, but it is not her favourite.
For convenience we will often meet somewhere, using the cage and the bike. That may also depend if some of the other girls will be there.

The number of people, friends and relatives, who have died, is not a factor IMO.
I was at a funeral on Saturday for an ex bike rider, and Mrs Snippets was at her dad's funeral on Thursday. The ex biker had been married for 71 years, and I do not think his wife rode with him.
BUT: I think the majority of my lady friends have been on the back of my bike. With one notable exception, my ex wife.

When I go to the bike races in WA, I often go alone, then I can spend time chatting with the racers without boring Mrs S.
She used to go to the bike races with her ( dearly departed ) first husband. I have his mint 1981 Yamaha XS1100 in my shed.

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post #27 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 04:25 AM
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So Else1163 and Husband, y'all are the first married couple I'm aware of on this site. Now that's cool so you are both already sharing in this new lifestyle. And that's a beautiful VW which really is nearly a 4 wheeled motorcycle to begin with. Many remove 1 wheel and body and call it a trike. I wouldn't suggest you do that. It's too pretty. So to the loving couple as a team I welcome you both. Enjoy your stay. I hope it's a long one that you share with us many of your rides together separately. That's a weird statement.

And to Else AND Husband...


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post #28 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 06:20 AM
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Yes you can drive a car and he can ride a bike and you meet someplace, why not?
My wife rides her own bike, one of her adult daughters a rides as well but the other two don't, none of my kids ride on the street. If we all go somewhere they take a car, we take the bikes, it all works fine. We went out for dinner that way last night in fact. One suggestion is don't worry about trying to stay together, it causes issues trying to keep a bike and a car together, in fact I usually intentionally leave 5 minutes apart or take two different routes.
If you want communication on the road he can get a blutooth module for his helmet that will connect to his cell phone and allow calls while riding.

Why sell that pretty VW, it looks way too nice to part with it? Have you had it a long time?

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post #29 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 08:47 AM
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To "The Husband;" Ditch your wife and acquire a HOG chapter Hottie, one that hasn't been ridden hard and put away wet. Life is too short to live with a dictator

Just kidding---sorta-kinda.

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post #30 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 10:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Else1163 View Post
... Does anyone drive their car and meet their significant other at the destination?
...
All the time.

My wife and I like to go to the gym, but I like to stay longer. So I often take the motorcycle and meet her there. I like it because I can ride and not worry about timing. She likes it because she's more comfortable in the car and doesn't have to wait around for me to finish my workout.

Sometimes when we go to the mountains I'll ride the bike and she'll drive her car. We'll have a great time doing our own thing separately and then we have fun being together at our destination.

No judgement. I love to ride, but I get that it's not for everybody.

Lots of couples have hobbies that take time from the family. Doesn't matter what it is - bowling, fishing, hunting, golf, tennis, running, photography, etc. The list is endless. It's important to do what you love or you'll resent it if someone holds you back. Just my opinion. If you love your husband and he has a passion to ride a motorcycle, you'll both figure out a way to make it not an issue.

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post #31 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-24-2017, 11:04 AM
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I just wanted to revisit the doing things separately together.
Sometimes Shirley ( Mrs Snippets ) and I will be on the boat together for 6 weeks or more. Many married folks likely have not spent that much time together, in such a confined space.

Sometimes Shirley will take a trip to places like India or Morocco, for a month or more. That leaves me free to do lots of cool things, like go to the bike races, but often to get some chores done. This year it will be building a dwelling on my Island.

Sometimes we travel together, and were in NZ for 6 weeks this year. And France last year.

It is whatever works for you folks.

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post #32 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 06:45 AM
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I have a 66 VW beetle and I can't drag and drop the pic, my iPad doesn't like it
Nice!! Jealous!!

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post #33 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 07:08 AM
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Sorry, skimmed through a bit. There's no denying there is added risk in driving a motorcycle, over a 4 wheeled vehicle. The next factor is age of getting into it, many start as an early teen. That said, the hubby can have a very safe experience riding experience, with precautions.

I may have an accident today, but other than falling over in loose sand in the back roads I've never really had an accident after decades of riding. I keep it extremely defensive and assume no on sees me.

I've worked with some who started riding in their 40's or later. They usually take a safe riding course or two. Then one has to pick those early rides carefully. Depending on where in NJ that could take some thought. Quiet, country roads are a good start, watch for animals.

Depending on family finances & all, he could start with a used bike to get a feel for things. I would get something mid sized that can be handled well, over a large heavy bike. Lots of bike accidents are the result of screwing around, or even a little added 'firewater'.

When doing something potentially hazardous, one has to be on full alert at all times. A two hour bike trip can be more draining than those same two hours droning along in a car. None of us will be on this earth forever, if he's big on the idea of riding I'd let him do it, with safety in mind.
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post #34 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 02:01 PM Thread Starter
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So Else1163 and Husband, y'all are the first married couple I'm aware of on this site. Now that's cool so you are both already sharing in this new lifestyle. And that's a beautiful VW which really is nearly a 4 wheeled motorcycle to begin with. Many remove 1 wheel and body and call it a trike. I wouldn't suggest you do that. It's too pretty. So to the loving couple as a team I welcome you both. Enjoy your stay. I hope it's a long one that you share with us many of your rides together separately. That's a weird statement.

And to Else AND Husband...

thanks, Yeah my husband bought the VW for me when we lived in Los Angeles. WE put the ceramic exhaust on it so it wouldn't rust in NJ. Now , I just need to sell it, I want my garage back for many reasons. My son wanted the VW but he was 19 and I said no way. You need a car with air bags, and this isn't a dependable piece of Transportation. Its way to fidgety and it is a standard transmission and he also had a hard enough time TRYING to drive my Fiat. That didn't go that well either. It was too much to deal with. Told him after he gets a little more experienced at driving I"ll try with him again. Maybe this summer if he's not busy. Everyone should know how to drive a standard transmission.
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post #35 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 02:05 PM Thread Starter
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Yes you can drive a car and he can ride a bike and you meet someplace, why not?
My wife rides her own bike, one of her adult daughters a rides as well but the other two don't, none of my kids ride on the street. If we all go somewhere they take a car, we take the bikes, it all works fine. We went out for dinner that way last night in fact. One suggestion is don't worry about trying to stay together, it causes issues trying to keep a bike and a car together, in fact I usually intentionally leave 5 minutes apart or take two different routes.
If you want communication on the road he can get a blutooth module for his helmet that will connect to his cell phone and allow calls while riding.

Why sell that pretty VW, it looks way too nice to part with it? Have you had it a long time?
We've had it since 2005, Garage kept.
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post #36 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 09:45 PM
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He'll be fine.
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post #37 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 09:47 PM
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She should get her own bike, how about a Ninja 300?
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post #38 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-25-2017, 10:14 PM
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Not a thing wrong with it. My wife flat out refuses to even try to ride with me. But she will drive separate if I want to take the bike to an outting rather than drive.... which is frequent. The fact she wouldn't even go for a short ride or try was the reason I sold the VStar and went back to supersports. I also purchased one of the best motorcycle accessories you can own for motorcycling too. More life insurance.
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post #39 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-26-2017, 06:25 AM
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When our kids where young it was not unusual for my wife to meet me someplace with them.
I have almost always commuted to work on a motorcycle.
My commute has always been a pretty long one. Most after school functions I didn't have time to go home first.

She does ride with me and really enjoys it, but that is beside the point of your question.
Our kids are grown but we still meet places all the time, we both work and have very busy schedules.
So we end up doing what you are asking but for different reasons.

We spend all kinds of time together, but the mode of transportation doesn't make that much difference.

I think you may be worried about nothing.

And if this is a mid life crises a motorcycle is one of his better options...
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post #40 of 52 (permalink) Old 04-27-2017, 11:30 AM Thread Starter
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no! ugh
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